They
Are they really who you think they are?
Talk yourself out of it. The language that we use and how it affects our perception of the world and the way we think, inspired by the principles of NLP. Changing the way we speak can have unexpected effects on our lives.
Okay, this one’s going to seem a little odd. The third person plural is a perfectly reasonable part of speech, used to refer to a group of people. So what's wrong with it?
Well, it depends how you use it.
Consider the following three examples:
They say that you should…
They should do something about…
They are going to…
Phrases like this make perfect sense, and may be perfectly accurate, but they can have a profound effect on our thinking and how we see the world. They set up assumptions in our minds, and over time those assumptions become our default perceptions. So let's look at these again.
They say that you should…
“They say you shouldn’t waste money getting a degree…”1
Who says? Who are they? Are they knowledgeable? Do they know what they're talking about? It's a useful shorthand, but when we assign authority to a blanket they, we are robbing ourselves of the power to discriminate. They could be experts, they could be opinionated amateurs, or they could be propagandists or charlatans.
These days, if you read it online, they probably isn’t even human. Already, over 60% of the content on the Net is AI-generated.2 By 2026, it’ll probably be more like 90%.3 It’s just clickbait regurgitated by bots based on recycling the words of other bots, and spread by yet more bots. And, thanks to a phenomenon known as model collapse, where the AIs simply repeat what’s most popular, regardless of whether it’s right or wrong, more and more of it is utter garbage.4
Instead of saying they, take a few moments to dig in, find out a little more about them, and personalize them. Try “Someone in the comments section on a Web site…”, or “A political commentator on a TV news program…”, or “A commission of experts who have done a five-year study…”5 The difference is immediately obvious, isn’t it? Better still, ask yourself if they even exist, or if you’re being duped by the hallucinations of an AI.
When we do this, we reduce the likelihood of being taken in by misinformation. We’re no longer treating everyone with the same level of authority. By taking just a few minutes to understand the source of information, we’re asserting control over what we believe and what we understand.
They should…
“They should do something about the holes in the road.”6
To some extent, the same applies to this as in the previous example. Who should? Why is it their responsibility? In this case they is often just a shorthand for us saying “it's someone else's problem.” We're pushing it away from ourselves, refusing to get engaged, looking for someone to blame rather than an actual solution to the problem.
Foisting responsibility on an anonymous they is effectively saying that we are powerless to have an effect. For example, instead of saying that they should fix the potholes in the road, it's better to be specific and say the Town Council should fix the potholes in the road. Better still, find out whether it’s actually the responsibility of the county, the State, or the Federal government. Don’t make assumptions about who they are and get mad at the wrong people.
As soon as you identify the individuals or the body who is responsible for taking care of something, there’s immediately a subtext about your relationship to them. You could contact the council, and tell them about the problem. You could attend a council meeting and raise the issue. You could maybe look at the Town budget and see if there is money to address the problem. Perhaps even look at the records and see if repairs have already been scheduled. It's no longer a problem that has nothing to do with you. It's now an issue for a community of which you are part.
Perhaps you could even start saying we should do something about the potholes in the road. Thinking and speaking in this way decreases our sense of isolation and increases our sense of community, empowerment, and contribution.
They are going to…
“They’re going to close all the homeless shelters.”7
Particularly in the context of today's political discourse, we are all too ready to ascribe motivations and actions to groups without really understanding it. As with the first example, you really need to ask who you are talking about, and then question whether they really have the ability to do what you claim.
We are constantly bombarded with propaganda about what they want to do to us. It’s designed to builded our sense of fear, paranoia, and distrust, and it’s intended to make us think of that the world is filled with conspiracies. That triggers all our survival mechanisms: we’re being manipulated into thought patterns and behaviors that are against our own best interests because we’re trying to defend ourselves and our society from a shadowy they.
Be specific
By replacing the anonymous they with named individuals or groups, it puts things in context. It helps you clarify your thinking, and it helps you build resistance to propaganda and misinformation.
Reducing your use of they is a tiny change to the way you speak, but it can produce an enormous change to the way you think.
I'm not a doctor, dietitian, nutritionist, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, meditation trainer, yoga teacher, or anything else. My academic background is in anthropology, and I've taken some neuroscience and NLP courses, but otherwise I'm self-educated. Nothing in this blog constitutes professional advice.
This is a non-trivial issue. Spending tens of thousands of dollars on a degree is stressful. Spending tens of thousands of dollars on a degree that doesn’t lead to a high-paying job and saddles you with debt you can’t repay is even more stressful. I’m damn glad I did my degree in a time when it didn’t cost me anything.
The actual figure was 57% at the start of 2024. Huge Proportion of Internet Is AI-Generated Slime, Futurism, January 2024.
Experts: 90% of Online Content Will Be AI-Generated by 2026, Living Library, 2023
Or, in British parlance, “This guy I met down the pub said…”
I see this one on our local Facebook group at least once a week. Our roads are pretty bad, it’s true. The new Town Manager’s first address to the council was about the roads.
In the run-up to the 2024 US election, I’m always hearing about what they are going to do if they win. At least 90% of it is fear-mongering on both sides. I do not believe that they are going to confiscate all the guns, make Christianity illegal, put Muslims in concentration camps, or ban electric cars. Free speech is a wonderful thing, but it gives rise to an insane amount of utter bullshit.