Talk yourself out of it. The language that we use and how it affects our perception of the world and the way we think, inspired by the principles of NLP. Changing the way we speak can have unexpected effects on our lives.
One of the first things they teach you when you're doing NLP training is that hyperbole has a significant effect on how we perceive the world. Effectively, when we use hyperbole, we present ourselves with a distorted perception of reality. Over time, we come to believe it. Even if we know consciously that something is not true, our unconscious is not that sophisticated. It tends to believe what we tell it, especially if we tell it the same thing over and over again.
Two of the worst offenders here are “never” and “always”. For example, “why does it always rain when I want to go to the beach?” Or, “this stupid car always breaks down just when I most need it.” And then there are the classics, “you never listen to me,” or “you’re always late,” and so on.
Chances are, that's not actually true. Maybe it rains sometimes, but not every single time. And maybe your car is unreliable, but it doesn't break down every time.
By telling yourself always and never, you're unintentionally making the problem out to be worse than it is. This increases your stress and anxiety, not just now, but also in the future. If you've convinced yourself that your car always breaks down, then every time you have to make an important trip - or even an unimportant one - you're already half-convinced that it's about to break down again, even if you've just fixed it.
It can be even more damaging if you use words like that when dealing with other people, either at work or at home. Effectively you’re accusing them of something they didn’t do. Are they really always late, or only sometimes? In most cases, we don’t notice all the times when things went right, only the times when they didn’t. Again, this increases the stress on both parties, because instead of resolving the actual underlying issues, you end up arguing about whether the initial statement is true.
In most cases, however, we’re not fooling anyone except ourselves. Other people can usually tell when we’re exaggerating.1 However, the more often we talk that way, the more likely it is that we will see that as our reality. Effectively, we’re hacking our own brains.
Why are we so drawn to hyperbole?
Humans like using non-literal language: it makes our speech more dramatic, more interesting, and more engaging. It allows us to describe things using metaphor, simile, and other rhetorical tricks to convey meaning and emotion that goes beyond the words we use. When we tell stories, we love to embellish them, to make ourselves a little larger than life.2
It’s become increasingly widespread. At least 50% of marketing is nothing but hyperbole.3 Lawyers and politicians love to tell us that every minor issue is practically cataclysmic.4 When we watch a movie, it’s either completely awesome or it totally sucks - there’s rarely anything in between.5
It’s also a defense mechanism, and a way to beg for sympathy. By making our problems out to be truly horrendous, we hope that others will take pity on us or support us. When we say that something always or never happens, it’s a fatalistic way of telling ourselves that it’s not our fault. It must be the fault of the universe, some outside force, or just bad luck.
Reframe the statement
One of the key techniques of NLP is to reframe statements like this so that they’re more truthful and accurate.6 Maybe it's more correct to say something like, “it's rained three out of the last four times I've tried to go to the beach.” Or, “my car broke down twice in the last six months when I had to go somewhere important.”
This allows you to get a better and more honest perspective on the situation. Maybe the truth is that it's just been a rainy summer. It's not that you in particular have bad luck: it's been wet for everyone. Your car doesn't hate you: you keep putting off essential maintenance, and you need to do a better job of keeping your car in good condition.
You're not saying that the problems don't exist: but by reframing them in a more accurate perspective, you're not making them out to be something bigger than they are.
Even if words like never and always are accurate, you can reframe your perspective by phrasing your thoughts differently. So, okay, you've never won the lottery. (Guess what, most of us haven't - you’re nothing special.) Instead, you can say to yourself, “I haven't won the lottery yet.”
If you really must use words like always or never to describe a situation, treat this as an opportunity to address the problem or accept a different reality.
For example, “I never remember to get gas on my way home.” Well, if that's a genuine problem, then your use of never should be a trigger, telling you that you need to come up with a strategy to deal with this. Leave a Post-It on your dashboard. Send yourself a reminder message. Or else just relax and accept that some mornings you'll have to leave a little early and get gas on your way in.
It's astonishing how many problems simply go away - or at least become much easier to deal with - when you stop telling yourself that they’re more extreme than they are.
I'm not a doctor, dietitian, nutritionist, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, meditation trainer, yoga teacher, or anything else. My academic background is in anthropology, and I've taken some neuroscience and NLP courses, but otherwise I'm self-educated. Nothing in this blog constitutes professional advice.
“When your communication is flavored with constant hype you are creating a culture of desperation. For your followers it’s a short walk from desperation to suspicion.” 4 Ways Exaggeration Can Be Causing Your Leadership Credibility To Take A Hit, Scott Cochrane
People understand hyperbole through intent of communication, Medical Express, 2014
I was in marketing for thirty-odd years. The amount of crap I had to deal with was phenomenal. Every single product and service is the best thing ever. It’s amazing how many companies have been voted number 1. Books are marketed as best-sellers before they’ve even been published. Nobody believes a damn word of it, but we keep doing it anyway. It’s expected of us.
“Exaggeration in the courtroom is not dissimilar from crying wolf.” The Hyperbole of Hyperbole, At Counsel Table, 2012
“Ours has become a culture of hyperbole. Nothing characterizes American social interaction, mediated through politics and social media, more than our need to assure ourselves, and broadcast to others, that whatever is happening now — whatever currently grasps our unexamined attention — is the most, greatest, acutest of whatever has ever been.” America’s Hyperbole Problem, Aaron Ross Powell, 2017
“Changing the frame of an experience can have a major influence on how you perceive, interpret and react to that experience.” Content Reframe, NLP World