What really matters to you?
You can't do it all, so choose wisely
One of the greatest things about the modern world is that there’s so much available to us in terms of experiences.
We have access to an almost unlimited amount of entertainment in the form of books, music, television, movies, games, comics and more. Most of us in the Western world can afford to travel widely, not just in our own countries, but overseas. The opportunities for creativity and social events are phenomenal, especially for those living in large cities. Education has never been more freely available. Communication with people around the world has never been easier. And, of course, we have the freedom to enjoy what we want, go where we want, and follow our own dreams.1
However, as I noted in my short story, FOMO, the biggest problem with this abundance is that it's impossible to enjoy it all. As one of my friends used to say, you can do anything, but you can't do everything.
When you become aware of how much you can't do, it can easily become very frustrating. And, of course, social media seems to exist for the sole purpose of taunting us with the things that we haven't done and that we're missing out on.
And not only is this abundance both frustrating and overwhelming, but it’s all too easy to end up wasting time on things we feel we ought to do or which are superficially interesting, when we’d much rather be doing something else. You wish you had time to write a novel or make jewelry out of bones or become an expert at identifying mushrooms or whatever, but you’re just too damn busy. But somehow, you manage to find the time to binge the whole of Yellowstone or play Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla or endlessly scrolling social media, because those are easy, they’re instant gratification, and they’ve become a habit.
“The greatest enemy of getting what you want most is doing what you want now.”2
Prioritize and personalize
Start by figuring out what's most important to you.
How do you want to spend your life? What do you want to achieve? What's your idea of a good day? What do you really enjoy? Don't worry about what anyone else thinks you should be doing, just focus on yourself.
And be honest with yourself. If your priorities are playing games and going out to the pub with your friends, so be it. Maybe you just want to read books and take your dog for long walks. Your priorities don't have to be lofty goals or big plans.
Sometimes it's enough just to enjoy life, or, as Kurt Vonnegut so eloquently put it, fart around.3 Or - my current favorite - wander around finding interesting things until you die, which seems like a perfectly reasonable plan to me.
Don't overload yourself - remember that you can't do everything. Focus on the things you really want to do, and treat everything else as a stretch goal.
Do the things you chose to do
And then - and here's the important bit - whatever your priorities are, own them and live by them. Recognize that you made a choice, and keep telling yourself explicitly that that's what you chose.
Don't think about all the things you didn't do - think about the things you chose to do instead. Did you watch the new TV show that everyone's currently obsessed with? No, because you made a positive choice to do something else instead, and that's okay.
Actually, it's better than okay - it's being true to who you really are and what you really want. Having clear priorities enables you to sidestep the feelings of frustration and overwhelm, and really enjoy the things that you chose to do.
I've found it one of the most empowering ways to change my perception of myself. For example, a couple of weekends ago, when I had nothing pressing that absolutely needed to be done, I chose to spend my day listening to a BBC radio thriller from the 1980s,4 trying out a new recipe for pork chops,5 reading a book by Jasper Fforde,6 working on a vintage model of the Wright Flyer, thinking about a story I want to write, catching up with family members in the UK, and pampering my elderly cat.
None of those may appeal to anyone else, but all those things matter deeply to me: stories, cooking, being creative, and spending time with people (and my cat) are all in my list of priorities.
And when I express it to myself as a choice that I made, I don't feel like I wasted a day farting around instead of doing Things I Really Should Be Doing. I feel like I had a damn good day.
I'm not a doctor, dietitian, nutritionist, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, meditation trainer, yoga teacher, or anything else. My academic background is in anthropology, and I've taken some neuroscience courses, but otherwise I'm self-educated. Nothing in this blog constitutes professional advice.
Admittedly, there are some restrictions. We don't have complete freedom, and minorities may well find it harder to follow their own dreams. But life in the US or UK is a hell of a long way from being a totalitarian state like 1970s Eastern Europe, or modern day North Korea, where individuals have very little control over their own lives.
I don't know who said this. The Internet has come up with a number of possible sources, and I don’t believe any of them.
I could write a whole post about Vonnegut's philosophy of enjoying life. I probably will at some point.
The Meisterspringer, by Berkely Mather. Very much recommended.
Pork chops in Marsala with figs. Damn good.
Shades of Grey. No, not 50 Shades of Grey, that’s a completely different book.
Love this - doing what you want not what you ought, and "its ok to wander through life finding interesting things to do till you die" which I think is what I've done for a lot of my life but only now can do it freely without worrying what anyone else thinks about it.
Last week I was with a group of women on a memoir writing course and what I loved what some where wanting to publish, some just wanting their story to share with their children, and some just wanted to write their story and see what happened. It was lovey to see that mix of "doing something interesting".
I thought I'd read all Jasper Fforde books but I don't think I've read Shades of Grey so I'll order it from the library.
Talking of books I deleted your April reads post because every time I read one of your posts about books I finish up adding another one to my stack of "books to read" :)