You don't need that
Don't give your brain extra things to stress about
Talk yourself out of it. The language that we use and how it affects our perception of the world and the way we think, inspired by the principles of NLP. Changing the way we speak can have unexpected effects on our lives.
"I need that.”
We’ve all done it. We see something cool online or in a store, and instantly we respond with “I need that.” (Or, often, just “Need.”) It’s a simple shorthand that often means little more than 👍🏻 or 😮 - a quick easy response that shows appreciation.
But your brain doesn’t see it that way, even if that’s all you mean. Brains are often very literal when it comes to language processing. Your brain interprets that little phrase as “this is an object that is necessary for me and I cannot live without it.”
In other words, according to your brain, it belongs somewhere on here.
This creates two problems.
Most of the time when we say, “I need this,” it clearly isn’t a basic need. So obviously, according to your brain, it must be something to do with love, belonging, esteem or self-actualization. In other words, your brain assumes that owning (or not owning) the object of transitory desire affects who you are and how others see you.
More than that, expressing it as a need means that your brain is immediately focused on the thought that “this is a necessary thing which I do not have.” Something essential is lacking, and therefore it is impossible to be happy, loved, or respected without it.1
But none of those things are true.
Whether or not you own a red velvet waistcoat or a cool piece of art or a fancy fountain pen or a new phone will almost certainly not have the slightest effect on you life as a whole. Yes, they may bring you some pleasure, though probably not as much as you expect.2 And yes, they may impress others, but they won’t make you any more loved. But you can be perfectly happy without them, and owning them won’t change who you are. You don’t need them.
Telling yourself you need something you don’t actually need just means you’re setting yourself up to feel disappointed and unhappy, especially if you’re talking about something unattainable like a Lamborghini. Not getting something you need makes you feel that you’re failing. You’re not rich enough. You didn’t work hard enough. You don’t have the lifestyle you ought to have. You’re no good. You suck.
Of course, that’s not what you meant when you said “I need that.” But that’s what your brain hears, and that’s what burrows into your subconscious.
“I want that.”
Often, when you say “I need that,” what you probably mean is “I want that.” It’s not something you need, but something you desire.
Simply changing “need” to “want” immediately changes the emotional impact of your response. Expressing your appreciation as a want rather than a need means that you don’t feel so bad if you don’t get it. You’re not losing out on something which is actually necessary.
But even that can cause problems. Do you really want all those things? Would you really appreciate them if you had them, or are you just trying to amass as many possessions as possible? What would you do with them if you had them? Or do you just wish you had the lifestyle and income that would allow you to have them?
While want is better than need, your brain still creates expectations and goals based on those desires when it hears that word. And once again, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you don’t meet those goals and desires.3 You’re still reacting to something in terms of whether or not you can own it, and measuring yourself by your success in acquisition.
“I like that.”
Need and want are both powerful words. Every time you use them, you’re telling yourself that there is something lacking in your life. So avoid using them unless you’re talking about something you really do need (i.e. not having it will cause you actual hardship) or you really want (i.e. you’re prepared to put the effort in to attain it).
What you usually mean when you say you need or want something is that you like it, and you want to show your appreciation. It’s a beautiful object, or it makes you smile to see it, or you admire the skill that went into making it, or it has some other personal resonance for you.
So just say that. Say something complimentary. Don’t make it about yourself. Don’t accidentally tell yourself that this object should be a permanent part of your life. Instead, express how you feel about the object in a positive way. Take the time to enjoy and share it, and then move on.
“That’s nice.”
“That’s cool.”
“That’s really well made.”
“That’s unusual.”
Save need and want for when you really mean them.
I'm not a doctor, dietitian, nutritionist, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, meditation trainer, yoga teacher, or anything else. My academic background is in anthropology, and I've taken some neuroscience and NLP courses, but otherwise I'm self-educated. Nothing in this blog constitutes professional advice.
Also, your brain loves finding problems. Even if you’re quite comfortable with the idea of not owning the thing, your limbic system is going to kick in and your brain is going to stress about it unconsciously. Why Our Brains Don’t Want Us To Be Happy, AVOS Counseling, 2017
“Ample research indicates that accumulating material possessions — much like accumulating money — doesn’t improve life satisfaction and can actually lead to deeper feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and emptiness. Also like money, no matter how much stuff we have, someone else always has more. The very act of status seeking is an anxiety-producing external game rather than a means of internal growth. The novelty of any material thing, whether a car or a computer, eventually wears off and the need to replace it grows.” 3 Things That Won’t Make You Happy, Harvard Business Review, 2022
And worse, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you do get what you want. ‘We think that satisfying our desires, achieving our dreams, making money, finding a partner will make us happy. But all too often, once we attain what we think we want, we become bored of it, no longer want it or our desire for it is replaced with a crushing fear of losing it.” Why getting what you want won't make you happy, David Hoinki, West Virginia University, 2022
I've also noticed when it is something one of my creative friends have made there is something even more complicated - "they'll like me more if I buy X from them" or a karma type of thought process that goes "if I buy X from them either they or someone else will be my X from me". A fascinating process when you let yourself think it!